Torture

Why do I torture myself?

Friday I went to dinner with Cody, his girlfriend/non girlfriend Katie, and Cody’s friend Ashley. Then we went back to Cody’s place to hang out. It was a good time. Us three girls ganged up on Cody and made fun of him all night for checking the yardage on the dental floss and asking if the juice was 100% juice.

He invited me to go to his house for the super bowl. I said okay, believing that Ashley and some other people would be there. At the last minute, everyone backed out except me. So I was there with Cody and his girl. And it was a bit awkward for me. Anyway, his brother watched the game with us though, so I felt a bit better about it.

But why do I do this to myself? For that little bit of happiness when he makes me laugh? When he winks at me, hugs me? Then later the crushing sadness… He’ll look at where Katie is looking and what she’s doing before he does certain things, like he doesn’t want her to see certain ways he interacts with me. Are these tears I try to hold back worth the happiness he brings me when I’m around him or talking to him?

Am I weak for not walking away from him? Wanting something I can’t have? Loving someone who may or may not love me in the same way?

A few months ago, I had written him a letter in which I told him I had feelings for him. There was a lot I said in that letter. But weeks went by and he didn’t say anything about it. He said only that he would write me back. He hadn’t, so I finally called him after work one day, and he told me that I am not what he’s looking for in that role. He never said he didn’t have feelings for me. Then I asked him, “So we’ll never be together?” And he said, “Well, I wouldn’t say never. You don’t know what the future holds.” And he finally wrote me back, and this is the letter he wrote to me almost 2 months ago:

“Crystal,

Not every story has to start with a boy, right!? I believe that a good story begins and ends with troubles and triumph. I have been very fortunate to have met and befriend such spectacular people in my life to date. And with a little luck, I’m just getting started.

We all have our past experiences (Mike) that hold us back in one form or another. I admit, I have been guilty a time or two. Being hurt is so often an understatement to the damage that ensues. Permanent in a way, words simply fail to describe. I have come to believe that pain is a rite of passage. Something that goes unnoticed and undervalued until it’s too late or blown out of proportion. People only see what they look for, rarely looking at the picture with more than a glance. Failing to notice the most important message is most often in the background. Hidden from the untrained eye. Planned perception in a way. People including you fail to notice the hidden are within themselves. I know you’re aware of your writing and reading skills, along with your ability to learn. However, that’s not what I am talking about. I’ll leave it to you to decide what exactly that statement means. Thought you might like that!

Not everyone gives up on people. I can safely say I have never quit on someone I care about. Honestly, I must say it was really hard for me to answer your question when you called. It was not a well kept secret and I have kind of known for a long time, naturally. I hope you understand what I said and take it for exactly that and nothing else. Tony mentioned a comment of yours that had me a little upset. Let me jog your memory, “I’m just mad at myself for wanting something I can’t have.” Ring any bells? I want you to know that you are a special person with lots to offer. I never meant to hurt you, just wanted to send you the message that I do care. I believe you received that message and I am in your corner if you ever need me. I told you I put my faith in people. Not because they never let you down, but because people are the world. If we don’t have faith in each other, in essence, we have nothing.

Writing believe it or not has been a strong suit of mine most of my life. It’s only odd because most people who write find writing to be the best communication method with one another. And I never shut up! But I am confident you have made that observation by now. You on the other hand, just so happen to be quite complex. Naturally you don’t fool me but I know many others have you all wrong. If I had to compliment you I know right where I would start. Crystal, you are a very loyal and passionate person. You provide an energy that people feed off of. Rarely does your outgoing personality fail to being a smile to all of our faces. Regardless if we provoke you or not, as if we would You have a huge heart and a brilliant mind if you would only believe it yourself. Your potential is endless if you free yourself from whatever it is that holds you back. It has been a once in a life time opportunity to work with Tony and you for the years we have. It truly breaks my heart that it has to come to an end. Especially in the way it is unraveling, they have no clue! But leave it to my cocky ass to say this and mean it: “We are the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be” (Brett “Hitman” Hart)

Love, your friend, Cody”

Crying

My eyes hurt today from crying a lot last night.

First, I watched 50/50. It was pretty emotional to me. Really good movie though, I enjoyed it.

Then I started talking to Nick. I just don’t know what to say anymore. Last night he was telling me (again) that he thinks I’m his soul mate. I kind of danced around his statements like a politician would when he doesn’t want to answer a question (although I didn’t completely change the subject). Then I started crying a lot because I don’t feel that way about him. Before we met I did. I mean, I do love him. But not as much as he loves me. I just feel like an awful human being because I think at some point I’m going to have to break his heart. I don’t know how to do that, if and when the time comes. Just because I might break up with him doesn’t make me heartless, because I care enough to feel absolutely terrible about it.

Then Cody isn’t talking to me much. Yesterday morning when I woke up, my wrist hurt very bad to even move it a little bit and my entire hand was extremely swollen. It had hurt a little the night before, but it was much worse in the morning. He had been going to school for sports medicine, so I texted him about it, and asked if there’s any way to tell if it’s sprained without going to the doctor (I don’t have health insurance). I didn’t hear anything from him. Not a quick text that he’s busy, he’ll text me later. Not a phone call after he got off of work. I haven’t heard from him since Tuesday when he was trying to figure out a time to get together (apparently it’s tomorrow). Don’t you think that he would be concerned that I’m hurt and contact me?

And now I feel like crying because I feel betrayed by him. He told me that he would always be there for me. He says that he doesn’t lie. But he did. He said he would be there. He wasn’t. I hate hurting like this, and I hate the tears that are falling down my face.

Is Happiness Everything?

It seems that some people think I’m settling. I suppose that’s what it would be. But is it better to “settle” with someone who’s not perfect for me, or to break up with him on only a potential boyfriend in Cody? Considering I don’t know what his intentions are… He called me a couple hours ago and asked what I was up to, wanting to get together soon, because I owe him $5 and because I need to give him January’s financials. Ever since October, he’s made me keep a register with my checking account, something that I had never done because I kept track of my money via online banking. So at the end of every month, I give him my receipts and the spreadsheet. If I have any errors, I owe him a dollar for each one. I recently realized that at the end of December, I forgot to put the last 5 transactions into the spreadsheet. So I owe Cody $5. And I owe Nick $1,000.

Anyway. Yes, Cody makes me feel happier. I like being feisty, and I can do that with him, and he’s normally the one that starts it. Which is fine with me. Nick, on the other hand, doesn’t understand my feisty-ness. Nick doesn’t give me butterflies anymore like he used to. But then, neither does Cody….only when he touches me in some way.

Maybe I should just say no to relationships in general. But I like companionship. I like being with someone. Maybe we should just revert back to arranged marriages.

I Never Said I Was Good At Making Decisions

I haven’t heard much from Cody since dinner Tuesday night. I don’t know what that means.

Maybe I would be better off sticking with Nick. After all, he loves me, and I know he does. He’s always scared of losing me. The thought of breaking his heart shatters me. He looks so cute when he sleeps. I do love him. I just think he will never know me like Cody does.

I tried looking at the bookstore Wednesday for a book that would have advice on how to interpret what’s going on with Cody. I couldn’t find anything. It’s simply more complicated than picking up some kind of MANuel. The only thing I found in there was a douche bag guy talking about people picking each other up in bars. He’s Just Not That Into You was slightly better help, but I didn’t see much in there either that explained our situation. Why can’t there be a guy out there that can help me with this??

So, I’ve just been acting normally with Nick. What else am I supposed to do? Maybe we do need to spend more time with each other. I just feel so lost with this. My mom is no help and Miranda hates Cody, so she’s biased. She’s never met him, but she thinks he’s been leading me on this whole time. I would be devastated if he has been. I don’t want to bother Courtney, because I’m sure she’s sick of hearing about my man drama. She’s got her own life. So, I have no one to talk to. I wish I could still be seeing my therapist. I just wish something in my life could be easy for once.

I Know What I Want

I know what I want now. And possibly, it’s something I can’t have.

Cody called me last night and asked me what I was doing, and I said I was studying. He asked if I had eaten yet, and I said no. He asked if I wanted to go to dinner. He said it would be him and his friend Ashley. The same person he asked me to go to dinner with Friday night, but I couldn’t because I already had plans. So I agreed, and we went to Chili’s. When I showed up, one of Cody’s brothers, Lucas, was there was well. It kind of felt like a double date, even though Lucas is not dating Ashley, because Lucas is 16 and Ashley is around Cody’s age (23).

Anyway, it was a great time. We were there for 2 hours. Cody and I told them work stories. But it kind of felt like, when you first start dating someone and you meet their friends for the first time, their friends warn you against things. Like, I already knew that Cody doesn’t like feet. Ashley told me to touch him with my feet. She told me he doesn’t like windows, which I already knew that as well. His brother told me that on Halloween, I need to dress up as the Burger King king and wait in Cody’s room…because apparently Cody hates the Burger King guy. I was also warned to not follow Cody when he’s angry. Ashley also told me that he has a hard time making decisions. Which, I actually found interesting, because he always told me that making decisions has always been easy for him. But apparently it was true, because when she said it, he pretended to be interested in his food and he wouldn’t look at anyone. And, the look on his face.

So, it kind of felt like Cody wanted Ashley to meet me, so he could ask her what she thinks of me. Because it was the second invitation he extended to have dinner with the both of them, in less than a week. You know? I think I got the stamp of approval, because I was talking about one of the times I beat the shit out of him and she goes, “I like her!” Obviously, I never really hurt him, because my punches are weak, but ya know.

So. Cody is what I want. I had a good time last night. Better than when Nick was here. Cody knows that things aren’t going well with Nick on my end. As far as I know, Cody is still seeing Katie. Soooo. I don’t know. Damnit why does this have to be so hard???

Confusion

I met my boyfriend online on November 27th, 2011. It was a happenstance meeting. Perhaps kismet. Fate. Destiny. Well, I had thought so. After all, it took quite a few “coincidences” for both of us to meet as we did. I won’t go through them all. We talked for hours and hours every night, until hours in the morning such as 3 or 4am. After his final exams were all over, we frequently talked for 6+ hours a day. Usually more like 10 or 12 hours. Our conversations were magnetic and interesting… and we talked about so many things. Our histories, what we think about different things. Everything was wonderful.

This, of course, came on the heels of the most devastating news that I had heard in quite some time. I had told Cody, a co-worker, that I had feelings for him. Literally days before I met Nick on the internet, I found out that I wasn’t what he was looking for in that role. In his letter he wrote weeks later, he said that he hoped I had taken what he said for just that, and nothing else. Incidentally, I recently realized that he has never once said that he does not have feelings for me. Also, he is dating this girl named Katie. However, he will not call her his girlfriend. He has even admitted to me that he does not want to fall in love with her because he is afraid she will change just like his ex did (he was dumped a year ago by his girlfriend of four and a half years). Since that break up a year ago, it seems that Cody is now afraid of commitment. Katie is the first woman he’s even gone on a date with since Carrie broke up with him. I have taken all of this to mean that he does have feelings for me, but he knows that I will not be just a roll in the hay, so to speak, and that I will be more than that. So he was afraid to be with me.

Anyway, back to Nick, he came to visit me on January 10th. He stayed until the 16th. He was nothing in person like he was online. He was quite and shy. He only held a conversation with me when I started it. He doesn’t outwardly show emotion. He would say he was having fun, but I rarely saw it. He didn’t understand me when I was being feisty with others. Other than those things, he peed all over my toilet and around it. The underside of the toilet lid had pee all over it. It also seemed like he didn’t brush his teeth because I could see plaque in between his teeth and on them. He shies away from any kind of public affection, but will cuddle in bed watching movies. He doesn’t think sex is very important in a relationship, but says he is trying to change his way of thinking for me. No, we didn’t have sex while he was here. The most we did was make out and some rubbing. Also, I’m not sure how small it is, but I think he has a small penis.

Other than these things, I found myself crying a lot because I kept thinking that he will never know me like Cody does. I know it is unfair to compare the two of them. But in relation to how well a person knows me, that’s the standard that I have. And I don’t think anyone could ever match it. Cody is so perceptive and intuitive, and he often knows more about me than I know about myself. One of our last sessions, in December, after learning Cody’s response to my letter, I expressed this fear to my therapist. She said that if I let myself be open to it, someone could know me that well. But it’s not just telling people things. It’s not just LETTING people know me. Cody has studied my behavior and connected it to perceptions, which were usually correct. He will know my reactions and even sometimes my thoughts to any given situation. Sometimes he’s been wrong, but he has an unusual accuracy about me. Even in his letter to me, he said that I am extraordinarily complex, and that many people misread me. This is why I cry. Because what are the chances that someone could ever know me like he does, with his incredible intuition? I don’t think Nick has this capacity, because he doesn’t notice human behaviors. His mind is too consumed with math.

With my doubts about my relationship, and with Cody, I’m very confused. After Nick left, Cody and I talked for a while about what I thought about him, and I expressed my doubts about the things like peeing all over the place, and when Cody asked if we boned, I told him no because of Nick’s thoughts on sex. Cody then sounded relieved when he said that it won’t work out. When I asked why, he said it was because our personalities are completely different. I said something about Nick’s next visit, and he sounded upset when he asked, “You’re going to let him come back?” But even after I said that, he invited me to dinner with one of his best friends. He has never invited me to do something with him outside the realm of our normal company (our co-workers). I couldn’t go because I was at my aunt’s house.

Anyway, I was talking to my friend Miranda about my doubts. She suggested that I see him in person more to figure things out. I then asked Nick why he’s so different in person, and told him that I don’t think he understands me. He said that he’s shy, and he says that our relationship needs to catch up in the physical realm. Given that, I’m thinking that I should give things a chance before I write him off. After all, he loves me, and I think I have the capacity to love him, even with his faults. I love watching him sleep, he’s so cute. When he’s awake, he sometimes looks like a lost child, like he’s delicate, almost fragile, in the way he looks. I know that my financial future would be sound with him, as he currently has a lot of money, and will make a lot of money. But is money everything? He’s borrowed me nearly $1,000 since I’ve been unemployed. Where would I be without that help? Do I owe it to him to try and make it work? How do I bring up things like brushing his teeth and peeing all over my toilet???

I don’t know. I’m still confused. I’m attracted to him. But I don’t know if this can work. I’m also confused about Cody and what he wants from me. If there’s anything romantic there or not. Should I even worry about him if I’m in a relationship with Nick? I don’t know.

And I know this post is quite long, but all of these things have been in my head and I haven’t had a place to put them, and now that I finally do, it’s all exploded here.

This Is Me

If you don’t know me, here’s a little bit about it.

I’m 25 years old, almost 26. My birthday is March 21st. I’m sick and tired of going no where in my life. I was laid off on December 22nd, 2011. I went back to school starting this semester, and I have no idea what I want my major to be. I have about 2 years before I need to declare it. But what I truly want from life, is to be a housewife. I am all for feminism and women having equal rights, but that’s not what I want.

I want the white picket fence. I want 2 or 3 kids running around, playing with the dog, the cat sun bathing in the window. I want to the quintessential soccer mom. I want to make a home that’s warm and inviting, to have small dinner parties with friends and family gatherings. Of course, there must be a room that will be my library to shelve my hundreds of books.

I want happiness. I want a life without financial struggle, just to be comfortable living within my means.

These are the things I want. As I strive to get them, this is my life. My struggles, my thoughts. The things I can’t share on any other corner of the internet because they’ve been invaded by people that I don’t want to see.